High Ramblings about Relationships

I don’t think I ever want to be in a relationship, or fall in love or anything like that cause I’m afraid what that will turn me into. I already have a hard enough time not being a piece of shit person and friend, like in a relationship? I’d either be a complete piece of shit or a complete psycho. I don’t know. I just feel like, I don’t know man.
Like I already have a hard enough time maintaining relationships with friends. But like, with a significant other? One of us would go psycho making the other life a living hell for the other.
Plus, honestly, I don’t like people too terribly much. Like, I haven’t had an actual crush on anyone in a while. A few years at least. I just, maybe I’ve had slight infatuations or something, but like dudes, I can’t.

-high ramblings of a stoner

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High Ramblings about Desires

Source: Urban Dictionary: Pilot Jones

 

I want a house in the mountains. Honestly, I don’t care if it is in the Rockies or the Appalachians, or even if it is out of this country. I just want to wake up, overcast sky, occasional rain showers, poor a cup of coffee spiked with Kho Loui or rum, smoke a blunt or joint or two. Sit at my desk, laptop out, mountains and trees gazing at me through the window directly behind the desk, cigarette hanging from my mouth, and start writing. I want to be a writer, I want my career to be as an author. I want to be paid to sit at my desk in the mountains all day and just enter another world. Don’t get me wrong, there is so much on this planet I want to experience, I want to see everywhere, I thirst for adventure and journeys. But I also have my head in the clouds. I want to see all these places so I can use them in stories. I want to feel all these emotions so I can transmit them to paper in my house in the mountains.

 

-High Ramblings of a Stoner

High Ramblings about Memories

Sometimes when I’m listening to music and smoking by myself, I start going back in time. I think about events that shaped certain perspectives I now have. Whether it be of people, of certain topics, of events, pretty much anything. I have a shitty memory, I only remember things that had an impact on me in some way.

During this smoke session, I started thinking about my poems. I guess that is also due to the fact that I have to write a poem for my Creative Writing class. I thought about the topics for my poems when I was a teenager. Or rather, the themes. A lot of them, the most recent ones (Which is like three or four years ago, or maybe even five) had something to do with my mom. At this time my mom and dad had gotten a divorce. And my mom was, lost. My dad was too, but he wasn’t as hung up. At least he didn’t show it anyways. But my mom, she just fell out of the “perfect” mom routine. Everything she did for us and the way she treated us, it sort of changed. Well anyways, at that time my poems were about her predicament. I actually posted a few of them: Armageddon of the Heart and Puppet Master. These are some of my favorite poems, and they were about my mom.

These themes, this topic, it got me thinking of a certain event that cemented her image in my mind at the time. I was laying on the couch, watching anime. For some reason, I think I liked sleeping on the couch. Anyways, I hadn’t seen my mom since the morning. Well actually maybe I saw her after she got off work. Well, anyways she had gone on a date or something. She was talking to this guy. My mom comes home, I am passed out on the couch, and she lays across me when I wake up to greet her. Then she begins to sob into my chest. I stroked her hair and comforted her, and tried to coax out of her what was wrong. She didn’t tell me straight up, she was very vague about the whole thing, but the gist of it was that some guy had just used her for sex, or that was something that the guy only wanted.

At this moment I felt odd. I couldn’t help but think, wasn’t this the kind of thing i should go crying to her about? But I had never been that type of person. At the time, I was still a virgin, and guys didn’t really interest me, and neither did girls, or anyone really.

But here was my mom, crying to me, about a topic I had no familiarity with. I don’t know why I am thinking of this memory, or what it means. I can’t put in words the image I have of my mother now, it’s something beyond words. It’s the kind of thing words can’t describe, my impression of her. But I love her. I don’t care what happened in the past when she was just shy of a perfect mother. It doesn’t matter. Just as my dad’s faults and shortcomings don’t bother me. I love them both. Everyone in my family gets that pass. I don’t know why family is so important to me, but it is.

-High Ramblings of a Stoner

High Ramblings about Family

I don’t know. It’s weird when there are three kids. Well, I guess, not weird. But I bet someone can relate to this. Like when u have siblings, you get salty about little shit. Like passwords. So my parents use our names as passwords, as I’m sure some of u can relate to. So like my parents have two passwords and like for some reason they always use something related to my bro or my sis. I don’t have a password using anything related to me. So yeah, I know its petty silly and ridiculous, but I’m not afraid to say that I am salty about that shit.

-High Ramblings of a Stoner

High Ramblings about Love

“Love is a serious mental disease.”

-Plato

I feel like the major difference between romantic love and family love is that with family it is (most of the time) obligatory. Well, I guess not most of the time but for me obligatory. Everyone in my family, that I’ve seen so far, feels obligated to love anyone who is blood. But that’s not the kind of love that fills us up. Of course, we cannot be without it, but it is just that, a building block. But if we are so lucky to be born into that, then the final form of love that fills us up is the second kind of love, romantic or platonic, but not either or but both really. We need to have people in our life who choose to love us. Who feel like they have no obligation or debt, but who genuinely love us and aren’t afraid to go as far as they need to show us. We need to have courageous people in our lives who inspire us to be better. A lot of us need that kind of love, a role model of some sort. Whether that be a friend or a lover. We need that person in our lives. And if we are so lucky to find it may we hold onto that love and never let it go.

High ramblings of a stoner…